Just because I haven't been writing does not mean things have not been happening. In fact very often the times I do not write are the times in which God is most industrious in my soul. I leaned out the window at work last night and chatted with a customer about the curious phenomenon of the human being's love/hate relationship with boats: "The only thing worse than having a boat is not having one," "A boat is just a hole in the water you pour money into," and "The best days of your life are the day you buy your boat and the day you sell her." Ask any boat owner, and unless they are first-timers with the stars still in their eyes, they will agree with you. On my drive home the Lord occurred it to me that those sayings are also particularly apt in describing the human being's love/hate relationship with themselves. As Christians this is Romans 7 in nautical maxim-- just replace "boat" with the correct grammatical form of "me." We can't help loving ourselves, but no less can we help hating our ornery selfishness, our temper, our fear, our pique, our idiocy, our insecurity, our depravity.
That's a large part of where I am right now-- square in-between loving and loathing. I keep trying to remember what Elisabeth told me ("Jesus covers the ugliness with Himself"), and what Ps. 103 says about God remembering that we are only dust.
I'm grateful for this spot, actually, because for years and years now I've been asking Jesus to disabuse me of my own opinion of myself. I knew I couldn't actually be all that and a bag of chips, but I didn't know how I wasn't. Laugh if you like-- I do too. A year ago He knocked a scale or two of my eyes and I began to understand a little. Since then every month has brought new revelation, deeper and deeper levels of my own inadequacy, stupidity, pride, fear... you name it, I've got it. Though welcome, this has been something of a shock. ☺ I told my sister it's a little (a very little) like being Jason Bourne, waking up slowly to the reality of who I am and not wanting to be that any more. The good news is unlike Jason, I have Jesus.
Right now the hard part seems to be recognizing what is actually true about me (and God) and then dealing with that truth. I keep walking that fine line of disgust with what is truly wrong with me and my position in the Beloved. This is not really a post that has a conclusion. In fact I'm not even sure why I'm posting it. Hoping someone will relate I suppose. Anyone have any thoughts on the subject?
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2 comments:
I look forward to the day that I dont have to struggle with myself so much! I hear you, Its like one day i think Everything is all fixed and then the next I wake up and say WHOA how did that get there. Human condition. ;) someday with Jesus it will be so much better (glory)
I am so there. So want to be somewhere else. :) Leaving 'me' behind and desiring to be conformed to the image of Jesus. Knowing that He's promised me that He'll keep perfecting me until the day of Christ Jesus. He won't give up. Therefore, I'd better not either. But I'm tired. :)
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