The Gospel According to The Princess Bride

(Why I did not post this when I originally wrote it over two years ago is beyond me.....)

Have you ever thought of recasting this story? Jesus gets to be Wesley, we (the Church) get to be the true Princess Bride. Humperdink can be Satan if he wants, and the Six-fingered man any number of demons. (Sorry to all the side-kick fans, myself included: all good metaphors must end.)

Suddenly whole conversations and scenes take on profundity William Goldman never imagined, no matter how good he was at crafting archetypes.

Jesus: "I told you I could always come for you. Why didn't you wait for me?"
Us: "Well.... you were dead."
Jesus: "Death cannot stop true love. All it can do is delay it for a while."
Us: "I will never doubt again."
Jesus: There will never be a need."

"You read that wrong. Buttercup doesn't marry Humperdink, she marries Wesley. I'm just sure of it. After all that Wesley did for her, if she doesn't marry him it wouldn't be fair."
"Well who says life is fair? Where is that written?"
"I'm telling you you're messing up the story, now get it right!"
So might an innocent observer to human history berate the Great Narrator.

In fact mightn't the Church be as indicted at times at Buttercup was by the Ancient Booer?
"Why do you do this?" asks the puzzled Buttercup.
"Because you had love in your hands and you gave it up! You're true love lives, and you marry another. True love saved her in the Fire Swamp and she treated it like garbage. And that's what she is, the Queen of Refuse!"

Do we not hear familiar lies in the oily-tongued reassurances of Prince Humperdink?   How often has our Accuser said, "I could never cause you grief; consider our wedding off. You returned this... Wesley?... to his ship?"
"Yes," replies the duplicitous Count.
"Then we will simply alert him. (And now for the poison.) Beloved.... are you certain he still wants you? After all it was you who did the leaving in the Fire Swamp. Not to mention that pirates are not known to be men of their word."
"My Westley will always come for me," we counter stoutly, trying desperately to believe our own words.
"I suggest a deal. You write four copies of a letter. I'll send my four fastest ships. One in each direction. The Dread Pirate Roberts is always close to Florin this time of year. We'll run up the white flag and deliver your message. If Wesley wants you, bless you both. If not... please consider me as an alternative to suicide? Are we agreed?"
How many times have we nodded our hesitant agreement over the centuries? Why does it take us so long to proclaim, "You can't hurt me. Wesley and I are joined by the bonds of love. And you cannot track that. Not with a thousand bloodhounds. And you cannot break it. Not with a thousand swords. And when I say you are a coward that is only because you are the slimiest weakling ever to crawl the earth!"
And then "Wesley" has to come save us from the consequences of our arrogant (and well-placed) faith.

Doesn't Revelation even end with Jesus on a white horse? "And look, there are four of them!"